The author starts with a favourite metaphor for family life - the flight of an airplane. Our life is like an airplane flight - we need a destination, a flight plan and a compass to arrive where we want to. Like an aircraft we will be off track 90% of the time and that’s ok. As long as we keep a clear vision of our destination and the plan and we have the courage to keep coming back time and time again we will arrive safely.

Now let’s look at each of the seven habits through the lens of family life.

habit 1 - Be Proactive 

Between whatever happens to us and our response to it there is a space

In that space lies our freedom and power to choose a response. And in our response lies our growth and happiness. It’s so easy to be reactive and get caught up in the moment. You say things you don’t mean and will later regret. Obviously our family life would be a lot better if people acted based on their deepest values instead of reacting to the emotion or circumstance of the moment. What we all need is a pause button between what happens to us and our response to it. The author’s advice is to Be proactive and develop this capacity to pause.

The essence of proactivity lies in taking the responsibility and the initiative to focus on things in our lives we can actually do something about.  And here’s a great example to illustrate this : Proactivity means not trying to change our daughter’s behaviour in order to improve the family atmosphere but focusing on what improvements we need to make in ourselves and model the right behaviour to her.

One very practical, useful way to apply the whole idea of proactivity is the analogy of the emotional bank account. The emotional bank account represents the quality of the relationship you have with others. It’s like a financial bank account in that you can make deposits by proactively doing things that build trust in the relationship, or you can make withdrawals by reactively doing things that decrease the level of trust . At any given time the balance of trust determines how well you can communicate and solve problems with another person.

2. habit 2 - Begin with the End in Mind

To begin with the end of mind means to ask yourself what you really want to do and to be - and the principles you choose to govern your life. It means to create a clear, compelling vision of what you and your family are all about and write it all out in the form of a family mission statement. You ask yourself questions like “what kind of strength and abilities will our children need to have in order to be successful when they grow up?”.  The family statement needs to be revisited and revised as the family grows and the issues it faces change. Ideally each family member will participate and share wholeheartedly the end vision. 

 habit 3 - Put First Things First

Most people clearly feel that family is a top priority. They would even die for their family. But when you ask them to really look at their lifestyle and where they give their time and primary attention , you almost always find that family subordinates to other values - work, friends, private hobbies. 

The first reason we don’t put family first goes back to habit 2 - we’re not really connected to our deepest priorities. We forget that the role of parents is a unique one, a sacred stewardship in life. It has to do with nurturing the potential of a special human being entrusted to our care. Instead we succumb to the turbulent times we live in and let today’s powerful, family-unfriendly environment shape our family life. We need to take charge and make sure the family is prioritized and that some kind of structure is in place to make that priority happen.

There are two major processes that will have a meaningful impact in your daily life - a weekly family time and one on one bonding times with each family member.

A weekly family time implies that a specific time is set aside every week just for the family- it can be used for planning family activities, as time to teach basic principles of life, time to solve problems, time to have fun.  

During the one on one bonding times you subordinate your agenda to the child’s and let them have their way with you, allowing them to have their interests and goals expressed or worked on.

habit 4  - Think Win-Win

This is the fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit. No one likes to lose - especially in close family relationships. The only long-term viable alternative is win-win. For parents, a habitual win-lose attitude may get their way in the short run, especially when children are little. But it will absolutely bankrupt the emotional bank account. Lose-win may make them popular in the short run because they essentially take the course of least resistance and let children have their way. But there’s no standard, no respect. A good recipe for success - let them win in the little things and take a stand on the things that really count. 

habit 5  - Seek First to Understand… Then to be Understood

Most mistakes with our children, with our spouses, with all family members are not the result of bad intent. It’s just that we really don’t understand. We don’t see clearly into one another’s hearts. And we usually interpret the same data in different ways. Through empathic listening and seeking to understand we can overcome these problems.

When we understand the other person’s situation we don’t judge. When we understand the other person’s limitations we adjust our expectations accordingly and this way we can control our satisfaction from our interactions.

 habit 6 - Synergize

Synergy is the magic that happens when one plus one equals three - or more. And it happens because the relationship between the parts is a part itself. In the family this part is the quality and nature of the relationship between people, the feeling of “we”.

Synergy means creating third-alternative solutions. It’s not your way” or “my way”, it’s a better, a higher way. 

An interesting observation is that once developed, a synergy culture in the family has its own authority to which every family member feels accountable.

habit 7 - Sharpen the Saw

Every family must take time to renew itself in the four key areas of life: physical, social, mental and spiritual. We can do this independently or interdependently. But the essence of family renewal are traditions. Family traditions include rituals and celebrations and meaningful events that we do in the family. Through traditions we reinforce the connection between the family members. We give a feeling of belonging, of being supported, of being understood.

Some great ways to bond as a family are family dinners, family vacations, extended family activities, learning and working together. 

This book is truly inspiring and provides the practical tools to create extraordinary family relationships.  It can help you become an agent of change, that transition person who will make a difference. I hope you find my short summary helpful. If you are inspired to listen to the whole book I have left a link in the episode description where you can listen for free.